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JEEPNEY EXPERIENCE (modus)

Pasukan nanaman.. Marami nanamang byahero.  At kasabay ng maraming mga commuters sa kalsada ay sinabayan ito ng mga masasamang kawatan.

Share ko lang po ang aking naging experience sa jeep ngayong unang araw ng pasukan.

June 3, 2013. - 5:30AM

Habang binabagtas ng jeep na aking sinasakyan ang byaheng CAINTA - PASIG ay may sumakay na grupo ng kalalakihan (LIMA katao) sa JUNCTION Cainta.  Sa tapat po ito ng BIG R.

The Doll and the White Rose

I was walking around in a Target store, when I saw a Cashier hand this little boy some money back. The boy couldn’t have been more than 5 or 6 years old. The Cashier said, “I’m sorry, but you don’t have enough money to buy this doll.” Then the little boy turned to the old woman next to him: ”Granny, are you sure I don’t have enough money?” The old lady replied: ”You know that you don’t have enough money to buy this doll, my dear.” Then she asked him to stay there for just 5 minutes while she went to look a round. She left quickly.

The little boy was still holding the doll in his hand. Finally, I walked toward him and I asked him who he wished to give this doll to. It’s the doll that my sister loved most and wanted so much for Christmas. She was sure that Santa Claus would bring it to her. I replied to him that maybe Santa Claus would bring it to her after all, and not to worry. But he replied to me sadly. “No, Santa Claus can’t bring it to her where she is now. I have to give the doll to my mommy so that she can give it to my sister when she goes there.”

The Mouse Trap

A mouse looked through the crack in the wall to see the farmer and his wife open a package. “What food might this contain?” the mouse wondered. He was devastated to discover it was a mousetrap.

Retreating to the farmyard, the mouse proclaimed the warning: “There is a mousetrap in the house! There is a mousetrap in the house!”

The chicken clucked and scratched, raised her head and said, “Mr. Mouse, I can tell this is a grave concern to you, but it is of no consequence to me. I cannot be bothered by it.”

The mouse turned to the pig and told him, “There is a mousetrap in the house! There is a mousetrap in the house!” The pig sympathized, but said, “I am so very sorry, Mr. Mouse, but there is nothing I can do about it but pray. Be assured you are in my prayers.”

The Fat Lady

Hi! How are you?” The woman smiled as she took the seat beside me. She had to lower herself slowly, squeezing her ample bottom into the seat, filling all available space.

Positioning herself comfortably, she plopped her enormous arm on our common armrest. Her immensity saturated the space around us, shrinking me and my seat into insignificance.

I cringed and reclined towards the window.

She leaned towards me and repeated her greeting in an upbeat, friendly voice. Her face towered above my head, forcing me to turn to look at her. “Hi,” I replied with obvious loathing.

I turned away to stare out the cabin window, sulking silently about the long hours of discomfort I was going to experience with this monster beside me.

She nudged me with her meaty arm. “My name is Laura. I’m from Britain. How about you? Japan?”

“Malaysia,” I barked.

“I’m so sorry! Will you accept my heartfelt apology? Come, shake my hand. If we’re going to spend six hours side-by-side on this flight, we’d better be friends, don’t you think?” A palm waved in front of my face. I shook the hand reluctantly, still silent.

My Mom Only Had One Eye

My mom only had one eye. I hated her… She was such an embarrassment. She cooked for students and teachers to support the family.

There was this one day during elementary school where my mom came to say hello to me. I was so embarrassed.

How could she do this to me? I ignored her, threw her a hateful look and ran out. The next day at school one of my classmates said, “EEEE, your mom only has one eye!”

I wanted to bury myself. I also wanted my mom to just disappear. I confronted her that day and said, “If you’re only gonna make me a laughing stock, why don’t you just die?”

My mom did not respond… I didn’t even stop to think for a second about what I had said, because I was full of anger. I was oblivious to her feelings.

I wanted out of that house, and have nothing to do with her. So I studied real hard, got a chance to go abroad to study.

If Your Birthday Is In..

(source: facebook)

Activities

(source: facebook)

Fastfood

(source: facebook)

Tama!!!

(source: facebook)

Bob Ong

..

(source: facebook)

Nakakahawang Sakit

May isang babae nagpapa check up sa isang doktor at ang sabi nya..


Girl: dok anu po ba ang ngyari sa boobs ko?!

Doc: bakit anu ba ng yari?

Girl: kasi tumitigas to kahapon pa lng..

Doc: ok sige hahawakan mo muna to sandali ha.

Girl: sige!

(after a while)

Doc: naku delekado tong sakit mo..

Girl: bakit po doc??

Doc: kasi nkakahawa to..

Girl: bakit po doc??

Doc: kasi tumitigas din ung t*ti ko eh..

Boy Bastos Move

boy bastos move : sorpresahan si gf sa sinehan

1. yayain ang shota manood ng sine
2. bumili ng popcorn
3. butasan ang ilalim ng lalagyan ng popcorn, takpan ng kamay para di matapon
4. buksan ang zipper
5. ilabas ang t*ti
6. ipasok ang t*ti sa butas ng lalagyan ng popcorn
7. hintayin maubos ang popcorn
8. makakapa niya rin ang t*ti mo
9. sabihin mo 'surprise!'

Magic Lamp

May lalakeng pumasok sa antique store...

LALAKE: miss, magkano yang lamp na yan?

SALESLADY: 50,000 sir

LALAKE: t*ngina, ang mahal naman

SALESLADY: magic lamp yan sir

LALAKE: kalokohan

SALESLADY: totoo pero isang wish lang ang pwede mong gawin. panoorin mo (hinimas ang lamp)... i wish maging C cup ang suso ko

*boom* lumaki ang suso ng saleslady.

LALAKE: putangina! bibilhin ko yan

pag-uwi. excited at nagmamadaling ilabas sa kahon yung lamp.

LALAKE: (hinimas yung lamp) i wish sumayad yung titi ko sa sahig

*boom* naging unano siya

Presyo

Isang babaeng social climber ang pumasok sa Jewelry shop. May nagustuhan syang singsing na naka-display. Ang gara, may dyamante. Yumuko sya konti para titigan ang nakadisplay sa loob ng glass shelf. Pagkayuko nya, bigla syang napautot. May tunog. Buti nalang walang nakarinig.

Bglang lumapit ang lalake. (naamoy ang utot)

Lalaki: gusto mong bilhin, miss?

Babae: magkano ba?

Lalaki: sa ganda ng singsing na yan napautot ka e. Baka kung sabihin ko presyo, matae ka na.

Payabangan

Tatlong lalake nagyayabangan..


KANO: last night i fucked my wife 3 times. this morning she told me that i'm amazing

ASTRALYANO: well i made love to my wife 4 times. this morning she told me she'll never find another man like me

KANO: how about you filipino? how many times did you fuck your wife

PINOY: just one only

ASTRALYANO: hahaha. and what did she tell you the this morning?

PINOY: please dont stop

Huli Si Junior

Pag-uwi ni tatay, naabutan niyang nagpapa-chupa ang anak niyang si Junior sa gf nya...

TATAY: puta!

JUNIOR: ay sorry 'tay!

TATAY: walang sorry sorry. hintayin nating dumating ang nanay mo. wag kayo aalis

JUNIOR: kelangan pa bang malaman ni nanay 'to?

TATAY: oo naman... para makakuha siya ng tips sa syota mo. ang galing nya eh!

Ahas

nahuli ni junior na nagse-sex ang nanay at tatay...

JUNIOR: nay, ano yang inuupuan mo?

NANAY: ahas ni tatay

JUNIOR: bakit mo inupuan?

NANAY: kasi matapang ako

JUNIOR: mas matapang si yaya nay... kinain nya yan kanina

Puno ng Balite

Magkapitbahay nagkukwentuhan:

Kapitbahay1: Mga pre wag kayong dumaan sa may malaking kahoy na balite.. Dahil nung isang araw sinipa ng isang kapitbahay natin ang kahoy lumaki ang paa nya!

Kapitbahay2: pre puntahan ko yan!

Kapitbahay1: At bakit?

Kapitbahay2: Iihi ako doon!

hahahahahahahahahahaha!

Gwapo

BOY: Nasa dugo na talaga namin pagiging GWAPO.










GIRL: Pambihira naman. Bakit hindi napunta sa mukha? Bakit sa dugo lang?

Assignment

Si Pedro gumagawa ng assignment..


Pedro: Nay ano sagot sa no 1?

Nanay: (naglalaptop) Shut up ur bigx2 mouth!

Pedro: Ah ok, Ate anu sagot sa no 2?

Ate: (kumakain ng tobleron) Yummy delicious...

Pedro: OK, kuya ano sagot sa no 3?

Kuya: (nagvivideoke) Mahal na mahal kita!

Pedro: OK, tito ano sagot sa no 4?

Tito: (nagJOJOKE sa mga kabarkada) Doon sa kubeta doon sa kubeta!

Pedro: OK, tatay ano sagot sa no 5?

Tatay: (papuntang maynila) Magbabalik ako...

Pedro: Yes! Tapos na ako.

(kinabukasan sa skul)

Teacher: Pedro ano sagot sa no 1?

Pedro: Shut up ur bigx2 mouth!

(binato ng teacher ng eraser sa blackboard shoot sa bibig ni pedro)

Pedro: Yummy delicious...

Teacher: Oh sige iba nalang nga sino crush mo?

Pedro: Mahal na mahal kita!

Teacher: San mo natutuhan mga kalokohan nayan?

Pedro: Doon sa kubeta doon sa kubeta!

(pinalabas ng teacher)

Pedro: Magbabalik ako..

Name Origin

Anak: Nay, bakit Victoria ang name ni Ate?

Ina: Kasi sa motel namin siya ginawa.

Anak: Eh si Kuya Toyota?

Ina: Dun sa sasakyan... Hay naku, Eskinita, matulog ka na nga!

(alam na!)

Confession

Sexy girl nagkukumpisal..

Pari: Iha, ano ang iyong kukumpisal?

Sexy: Father, pag nakakarinig po ako ng lalaking nagmumura, di ko mapigilan ang sarili ko na yayain siya makipag-sex!









Pari: T*ngina, di nga?

Spaghetti Sauce

Apo: Lolo, kumain na po kayo ng spaghetti.

Lolo: Hindi, bakit apo?

Apo: Bakit may sauce ang yang bibig niyo?

Lolo: Lintek na Lola mong yan nireregla pala!

(yaaaakk!)

Doggie

Jose: Oh pre, bakit ka umiiyak?

Pedro: Nag-away kami ni misis, gusto nya sex kami style aso, tumanggi ako!

Jose: Oh, the best yun ah!

Pedro: The best nga pero gusto nya  sa kalsada!! (facepalm)

Caller

Caller : Hello, can I speak to Annie Wan?

Operator : Yes, you can speak to me.

Caller: No, I want to speak to Annie Wan!

Operator: You are talking to someone! Who is this?

Caller: I'm Sum Wan .And I need to talk to Annie Wan! It's urgent!

Operator: I know u are someone and u want to talk to anyone! But what's this urgent matter about?

Caller: Well just tell my sister Annie Wan that our brother, Noe Wan was involved in an accident. Noe Wan got injured and now.  Noe Wan is being sent to the hospital. Rightnow, Avery Wan is on his way to the hospital.

Operator: Look if no one was injured and no one was sent to the hospital from the accident that isn't an urgent matter! You may find this hilarious but I don't have time for this!

Caller: You are so rude! Who are you?

Operator: I'm Saw Lee.

Caller: Yes! You should be sorry. Now give me your name!

Maestro

Mommy Dionisia: maestro ka ba?

Tindero: Hindi po mam, di ako nakapagtapos eh,

Mommy Dionisia: uki Lang yan, pero maestro ka nga?

Tindero: mam, Hindi nga po ako!

(Mommy Dionisia nagalit na)

Mommy Dionisia: Humaygad anu ka ba? Hende mo aku sinasagut! Ang tanong ko Kung maestro ka! Panu ku maiinom tung cok, Kung wala naman akong estro!

H O P E

CAN YOU FIND "HOPE" IN 5 SECONDS?

E P O H E P O H E P O H E P O H E P O H
P O H E P O H E P O H E P O H E P O H E
O H E P O H E P O H E P O H E P O H E O
H E P O H E P O H E P O H E P O H E O H
E P O H E P O H O P E H E P O H E O H E
P O H E P O H E P O H E P O H E O H E P
O H E P O H E P O H E P O H E O H E P O

Eksena sa Simbahan

Tatlong pari nagsabihan ng mga sikreto nila...

Pari 1: Sa inyo ko lang ito sasabihin, may nabuntis akong parokyana

Pari 2: Ako naman, isa akong bading, may boyfriend akong sakristan...
......
Pari 3: Ako naman, madaldal. Patay kayo

Eksena sa Kwarto

Mag-asawa ngsi-sex:

Mister: Hon, dumaing ka naman para ganahan ako!

Misis: Ooohhhhhh.. hooonnn.wla na tayoooong pambaaayaaaad ng bills sa kuryeeente at tubiiiig.. Aahhhh!.. Walaaa na din tayonggg makainnnnn.. Walaaa na din tayoooong bigas.. Aahhhh!.. Sige pa hon.sige paaaah... Ohhhhh.ibaon mo paaaa.. Ibaon mo pa ako sa utaaaannngg!.. Aaahhhh!

Hypnotic

(source: lldf.tumblr)

Amazing Photoshop Art

AMAZING PHOTOSHOP ART BY ERIK JOHANSSON

(source: 9gag)

Funny GIFs

Picture Picture

(source: 9-fail.blogspot.com)

Party Party

(source: 9fail.blogspot.com)

Slow Motion GIFs

Harlem Shake

(source: tumblr)

Doggie

(source: tumblr)

Birdie

(source: tumblr)

Forever Alone 2

(source: pinoyfused.com)

Forever Alone

(source: pinoyfused.com)

Patulak

LASING: ( ngtxt ) pare! help patulak nman, ayaw umandar eh.

PARE:(naawa, nagbihis, at ngreply) plabas nko ng bahay, san ka?

LASING: Dito pare sa swing..
:P

Huli Ka Balbon

(source: tumblr)

Kitty

"tulungan nyo ko!"

"help!"

(source: tumblr)

Eksena sa Klasrum 3

Teacher, nahuli si Juan na nag-cheat.

Teacher: Ganon ka na ba talaga ka bobo Juan?

Juan: Maam, seeking a help is not a sign of ignorance. It's an intellectual act that allows people to admit that some situations are not meant to be handled alone!

Teacher: *Nosebleed*


(who's bobo?)

Manok

Anak : Tay ! May Manok sa Kusina Tinutuka ung Bigas !
Tatay : PaaLisin mo !
Anak : Hoy Manok ! UmaLis ka nga d2 !
Tatay : B*b* GuLatin mo !
Anak : Hoy Manok BULAGA !
Tatay : G*go Takutin mo !
Anak : Manok ! Aswang ako, AWOO !
Tatay : Punyet* ! Bugawin mo !
Anak : Boss Chicks ? 50 Lng batang bata
Tatay : HuLihin mo na nga Lng !
Anak : Manok ! PuLis ako, taas Pakpak !
Tatay : Lint*k ! Ikaw na nga Lng Lumayas !
Anak : Ako Tay ?
Tatay : Hindi ako na Lng. Baka Mapatay pa kita

Dalawang Pilosopo

Isang customer, umorder sa fast food.

CREW: Dito po ba kakainin?
CUSTOMER: Pwede bang sa lamesa na lang? Nakakahiya naman kung dito sa pila. Nakakahiya sa mga taong nakapila.
CREW: (Inis) Ah, sigurado po bang sa lamesa niyo gusto kumain? Baka po gusto niyong sa pinggan naman para di naman po baboy tignan?

Zodiac Sign

Jose: Pare, anong Zodiac Sign mo?

Pedro: (Di alam kung anong ibig sabihin ng “Zodiac Sign”. Nag-isip kunyari) Hmm pare Zodiac Sign? Ikaw muna pare, ano bang Zodiac Sign mo?

Jose: Cancer pare, ikaw?

Pedro: Goiter.

Jose: Parang baliw ito ah! Wala naman ganung Zodiac Sign pare.. Niloloko mo yata ako eh!

Pedro: Ikaw naman pare, hindi ka na mabiro! ULCER talaga ang tunay.

Bata vs Tindera

Bata: Pabili po!

Tindera: (mataray) Hmmp! What do you intend to buy?

Bata: (ay english) Well.. I would like to buy the 2 most popular compounds, Sodium Chloride and the simplest Glucose, and also 2 common spices, Allium Cepa & Allium Sativum which isworth exactly 0.4807692 dollars!

Tindera: (nosebleed) ano yun iho?

Bata: Asin, asukal, sibuyas at bawang! At suma total 25 pesos po! Kinonvert ko na sa dolyares!

Tindera: (hemorhage) *SPEECHLESS* Ambulansya plsss..

Seaman

SEAMAN: Mag-apply sana 'kong seaman.

CAPTAIN: Marunong ka bang lumangoy?

SEAMAN: Hindi eh.

CAPTAIN: Eh di ka pwede

SEAMAN: Bakit? Yung piloto ba marunong lumipad? Utak pre, utak!

Eksena sa Klasrum 2

PEDRO: ma'am ano tawag sa puting gulay ?

GURO: ano ?

PEDRO: Putito po mam. Eh yung mas maputi sa putito ?

GURO: ano na naman yan ?

PEDRO: Mash Putito !

GURO: Shut up !

PEDRO: eh ma'am yung mga boss ng mga putito

GURO: SIT DOWN !

PEDRO: Last na mam ..

GURO: OH ANO ?

PEDRO: PUTITO CHIEFS !

Ugali

Bobo: Pare, hulaan mo ang ugali ko sa English. Nagsisimula sa letter A.
Pare: Amiable?
Bobo: Hindi.
Pare: Approachable?
Bobo: Hindi.
Pare: O, sige. Siret na.
Bobo: Anest

Haha!

Six

Pedro nabangga yung foreigner.

Pedro: ay, sori!
Foreigner: im sori 2
Pedro: sori 3!
Foreigner: wat r u sori 4?
Pedro: kala mo bobo ako ah, sori 5!
Foreigner: i think ur sick!
Pedro: hahahaha! sick daw! six, bobo!

Eksena sa Mental Hospital 2

sa mental hospital..

(isang pasyente ang nagbubungkal ng lupa)

nurse: oi! anu ginagawa mo??!!!

pasyente: di mo ba nakikita?? nagtatanim ako.. bobo!

nurse: wla ka namang seeds eh! pauso!!

pasyente: seedless to, tanga!!

Unggoy

bumili si tatay ng unggoy na nananampal kapag may nagsisinungaling. sinubukan nya ito sa anak na dalaga...

TATAY: san ka galing kagabi?

DALAGA: sa study group po..

(sinampal nung unggoy yung anak)

TATAY: sinungaling ka. saan?

(dahil natakot masampal ulit ng unggoy, umamin ang dalaga..)

DALAGA: nag-sex kami ng bf ko

TATAY: tangina, nung ka-edad mo ako, di ko pa iniisip ang sex

(sinampal nung unggoy si tatay)

NANAY: haha. ayan kasi, sinungaling kayo pareho. mag-ama nga kayo

(sinampal nung unggoy si nanay)

(alam na!)

What Goes Around Comes Around

One day a man saw an old lady, stranded on the side of the road, but even in the dim light of day, he could see she needed help. So he pulled up in front of her Mercedes and got out. His Pontiac was still sputtering when he approached her.

Even with the smile on his face, she was worried. No one had stopped to help for the last hour or so. Was he going to hurt her? He didn't look safe; he looked poor and hungry. He could see that she was frightened, standing out there in the cold. He knew how she felt. It was those chills which only fear can put in you. He said, “I’m here to help you, ma’am. Why don’t you wait in the car where it’s warm? By the way, my name is Bryan Anderson.”

The Missing Watch

There once was a farmer who discovered that he had lost his watch in the barn. It was no ordinary watch because it had sentimental value for him.

After searching high and low among the hay for a long while; he gave up and enlisted the help of a group of children playing outside the barn.

He promised them that the person who found it would be rewarded.

Hearing this, the children hurried inside the barn, went through and around the entire stack of hay but still could not find the watch. Just when the farmer was about to give up looking for his watch, a little boy went up to him and asked to be given another chance.

The farmer looked at him and thought, “Why not? After all, this kid looks sincere enough.”

The CEO Story

A successful businessman was growing old and knew it was time to choose a successor to take over the business.

Instead of choosing one of his Directors or his children, he decided to do something different. He called all the young executives in his company together.

He said, "It is time for me to step down and choose the next C.E.O..
I have decided to choose one of you."

The young executives were shocked, but the boss continued.

"I am going to give each one of you a SEED today - one very special SEED. I want you to plant the seed, water it, and come back here one year from today with what you have grown from the seed I have given you. I will then judge the plants that you bring, and the one I choose will be the next C.E.O.."

Can't English

Click the image to read the thread

(source: pinoybase.com)

EMO

(source: pinoybase.com)

Proper Kanto English

(source: pinoybase.com)

Common Pinoy Mistakes

(source: pinoybase.com)

Famous Lines ni Nanay

(source: pinoybase.com)

Sign Board

(source: pinoybase.com)

Mga Klase ng Sweldo

(source: pinoybase.com)

Daily Quote

If u FAIL
never give up
bcos F.A.I.L means
First Attempt In Learning..

END is not the end!
In fact E.N.D means
Effort Never Dies..

If u get NO as an answer.
Remember N.O means
Next Opportunity..

Always think positively
and bring ur perfect smile w/u

'Di Marinig

TATAY: Berto! Kinuha mo ang pera sa bulsa ng pantalon ko no?

ANAK: Ano sabi mo tay?

TATAY: sabi ko, kinuha mo yung pera sa bulsa ng pantalon ko!

ANAK: Di ko talaga marinig tay, gusto mo palit tayo ng pwesto dito, ako naman ang magtatanong.

ANAK: Sinong babae ang kasama mo kanina?

TATAY: Ayy, oo nga di nga marinig.

Ututin Na BoyFriend 2

May bagong sports motorcycle si bf. Mabilis niya itong pinapatakbo habang nakayakap sa kanya ang kanyang gf sa likod. Ngunit eto nga namang si bf, talagang napaka-ututin. Naghanap siya ng mga bato at ipinadaan ang motorsiklo dito, habang siya ay umu-utot.

BUMP! PFFOOT! BUMP! PFFOOTT!!! BUMP!!!!

Walang sinabi ang gf so nakahinga ng maluwag si bf. Pero nauutot nanaman siya. Naghanap siya ng lubak at ipinadaan ang motorsiklo dito habang umuutot.

SPLASH! PFFOOTT!!! SPLASH!!! PFFOOTT!!!SPLASH!!!

Walang sinabi si gf. Natuwa si bf dahil nakatakas nanaman siya sa matinding hiya. Pero nauutot nanaman siya. May nakita siyang humps pero malayo pa. Binilisan niya ang takbo ng motorsiklo..

EEEEENNNNGGGGG!!!!! RRRRRRRRR!!!!!

Malapit na.. Malapit na..

EEEENNNNGGGG!!!!!!

Ngunit bago niya na-abot ang humps hindi niya na napigilan ang pag-utot.

PPPFFFOOOOOOTTTTT!!!!!!

Sabay sabi ng kanyang gf: "Belat! Hindi naabutan!"

Ututin Na BoyFriend

Binibisita ng boyfriend ang kanyang girlfriend. Kumain sila at umupo sa salas.
Marami ang nakain ng bf at kailangan niyang maglabas ng masamang hangin. Ngunit nahihiya siya sa gf niya. Pinigil ng bf ang pag-utot, pero hindi niya na ito nakaya.

PPFFFFFOOOOOTTTTT!!!!!

Huminto ang bf sa paggalaw. Hiyang-hiya siya at pulang pula ang mukha. Tiningnan niya ang gf niya. Walang sinabi ang gf, pero biglang tinawag ang aso na nasa ilalim ng upuan ng bf.

"Rex, umalis ka nga dyan!"

Pero walang kilos ang aso. Nakahinga ng maluwag ang bf at inisip - "Hay salamat, akala niya yung aso ang umutot!"

Nag-chat sila, ngunit nakaraan ang ilang sandali ay napapa-utot muli ang bf dahil talagang ang dami niyang kinain. Hindi niya ulit ito napigilan.

PPPFFFOOOOOOTTTTT!!!!

Kinabahan ulit ang bf at namula. Muling sinabi ng gf,

"Rex, ano ka ba? Umalis ka dyan sabi eh!"

Wala paring kibo ang aso. "Hay salamat sa aso," isip ng bf, "Akala niya ulit yung aso ang umutot."

Nag-chat ulit sila, pero napapa-utot ulit ang bf at hindi niya ito napigilan.

PPPPFFFOOOOOOOOTTTTTTTT!!!!!!

Tumayo ang gf at sumigaw,

"Rex! Umalis ka dyan baka mataihan ka!!!!"

Parusa

Pedro: Juan! Paparusahan ka daw ng hari! Punta ka daw sa kaharian, bilisan mo!

Hari: Bakit nagkalat ka sa mansion, alam mo naman na bawal yun? Ngayon paparusahan kita! Anong gusto mo - ipakain sa lion o pasukan ng bubuyog sa puwet?

(AT NAG-ISIP SI JUAN...)

Juan: Pasukan nalang po ng bubuyog sa puwet!

Hari: Kung ganon, sige... Mga kawal! Ilabas si jollibee!!

‎10 Craziest Things na Ginagawa Kapag Nalalasing

1. Umiiyak kahit walang dahilan.
2. Nagbibigay ng advice sa kapwa lasing.
3. Kumakanta ng pasintunado.
4. Tinatawagan o tinetext ang EX para makipagusap ng walang sense.
5. Naiinlove nalng bigla.
6. Ginagawang unan ang idoro.
7. Nagiging galante.
8. Kinukwento ang buhay ng buong angkan.
9 .Nag eenglish speaking kahit wrong grammar.
10. Panay sabi ng ” HINDI NA KO MAG IINOM” habang sumusuka

Boy PickUp vs Vice Ganda

BOY PICKUP: Chikss Kba?
VICE GANDA: ay hinde, tao ako teh? gwin b nmn akong sisiw.
BOY PICKUP: kaya pala maulan ngayon.
VICE GANDA: anu connect teh?
BOY PICKUP: ung iba wala ng makain.
VICE GANDA: may sayad? may sayad
BOY PICKUP: buti nalang may ballpen ako.
VICE GANDA: tse!! makaalis na nga! like nalang.!

Eksena sa Motel

BOYFRIEND : Alam mo mahal, …Ikaw ang kaunaunahang babae na dinala ko rito…

GIRLFRIEND : Sinungaling, bakit kilala mo yung mga receptionists sa lobby? sabi nila lagi ka raw dito..

BOYFRIEND : OO nga, pero ikaw lang talaga ang babae..

Ito Ba ang Utak Ko?

Isang tatlong taong gulang na lalaki was examining his testicles habang naliligo.

“Mommy,” he asked, “Ito ba ang utak ko ?”

“Hindi pa ngayon anak, hindi pa…,” she replied.

Confident vs Confidential

Nagtanong si Totoy kay Erpat:

Totoy: "Itay, ano ang pagkakaiba ng ‘confident’ at ‘confidential’?"

Erpat says, “Ikaw ay aking anak, I am ‘confident’ doon.”
“Yung kaibigan mo doon, ay anak ko rin.  Iyan ay ‘confidential’"

Lesson for Today

TEACHER: Okay class, our lesson for today is sexuality. What is sexuality?

PEDRO : Ako ma'am! Ako ma'am!

TEACHER : Okay, Pedro. What is Sexuality?

PEDRO : Sexuality is our lesson for today.

Eksena sa Kasalan

(Sa kasalan . . .)

PARI: Sana ang donation mo ay katumbas ng kagandahan at kaseksihan ng pakakasalan mo!

GROOM : Eto po father, 100 pesos ang donation ko.


Tiningnan ng pari ang bride….

PARI: Eto, sukli. 99 pesos, iho…

Rosaryo 2

PARI: Halika sa kwarto sister…

MADRE : Father, bakit po?

PARI: Sara mo pinto sister..

MADRE : Father, huwag po!

PARI: Patayin mo ilaw sister..

MADRE : Naku, Diyos ko po!!!

PARI: Ipapakita ko lang ang rosary ko, oh!

…glow in the dark

Stress, Tension and Panic

Ano ang pagkakaiba-iba sa stress, tension at panic?  

Stress ay kung buntis ang asawa.  
Tension  ay kung ang kabit ay buntis.
Panic is ay kung parehong buntis.

T*nga na Mister

LALAKI: Hon! Sorry may kasalanan ako sayo.

BABAE: Anu yon?

LALAKI: Tinira ko sa Mare. Pero binigyan ko siya 1,500.

BABAE: Ang TANGA TANGA mo talaga! Si Pare nga libre sakin eh!

Eksena sa Office

(Sa office)

Si bossing naguguluhan about his math ay tinanong ang kanyang secretary:

"Kung bibigyan kita ng 5 milyon, less 12.35%, how much would you take off ?"

SECRETARY : Lahat sir, pati damit, at bra, and..


(alam na)

Honeymoon

GROOM : Kaya mo ito, dadahan-dahanin ko.

BRIDE : Kinakabahan ako. Baka di ko makaya.. Parang natatakot ako.

GROOM : Kaya mo ito. Di ba dati may alaga kang sawa at mga ahas?

BRIDE : Oo nga, mga exotic animals yon, pero. . .

GROOM : Anong pero, huwag kang matakot.

BRIDE : Pero, . . .pero takot talaga ako sa bulate eh!

Technique

May technique si Juan, isang WAITER sa coffee shop, kung ang isang babae ay virgin pa o hindi na…

WAITER : Ano po’ order nyo mam ?

JUANA : Sandwich at saka soda “POP” …

WAITER : (pabulong ; ah virgin pa to).

Another costumer…

WAITER : Ano po’ order nyo mam ?

JUANITA : Sandwich at saka “Coke”…

WAITER : (pabulong ; ah may karanasan na ito).

Another costumer…

WAITER : Ano po order nyo mam ?

PETRA : Sandwich at saka “TSAA”…

WAITER : (pabulong ; sus-maryosep).

Eksena sa Ospital

(Sa Ospital)

NARS : Duktor, bakit nyo tinanggihan yung pasyente kanina?

DUKTOR : Saan?, sa Delivery room?

NARS : Hindi, yung nasa Receiving room.

DUKTOR : Ahhh, yung bakla’.

NARS : Opo, Baka sabihin may discrimination tayo, porke bakla siya.

DUKTOR : Nakuuu!, ano naman ang raraspahin ko sa kanya?

BF-GF

(source: 9-fail.blogspot.com)

iPhone 5

(source: 9-fail.blogspot.com)

Marriage

 When I got home that night as my wife served dinner, I held her hand and said, I’ve got something to tell you. She sat down and ate quietly. Again I observed the hurt in her eyes.

Suddenly I didn’t know how to open my mouth. But I had to let her know what I was thinking. I want a divorce. I raised the topic calmly.

She didn’t seem to be annoyed by my words, instead she asked me softly, why?

I avoided her question. This made her angry. She threw away the chopsticks and shouted at me, you are not a man! That night, we didn’t talk to each other. She was weeping. I knew she wanted to find out what had happened to our marriage. But I could hardly give her a satisfactory answer; she had lost my heart to Jane. I didn’t love her anymore. I just pitied her!

With a deep sense of guilt, I drafted a divorce agreement which stated that she could own our house, our car, and 30% stake of my company.

Drawings in Powerpoint

(source: 9gag.com)

Yeah Right

(source: 9gag.com)

The Story of a Woodcutter

Once upon a time, a very strong woodcutter asked for a job in a timber merchant and he got it. The pay was really good and so was the work condition. For those reasons, the woodcutter was determined to do his best.

His boss gave him an axe and showed him the area where he supposed to work.

The first day, the woodcutter brought 18 trees.

“Congratulations,” the boss said. “Go on that way!”

Very motivated by the boss words, the woodcutter tried harder the next day, but he could only bring 15 trees. The third day he tried even harder, but he could only bring 10 trees. Day after day he was bringing less and less trees.

“I must be losing my strength”, the woodcutter thought. He went to the boss and apologized, saying that he could not understand what was going on.

The Little Boy

Sally jumped up as soon as she saw the surgeon come out of the operating room. She said: “How is my little boy? Is he going to be all right? When can I see him?”

The surgeon said, “I’m sorry. We did all we could, but your boy didn’t make it.”

Sally said, “Why do little children get cancer? Doesn’t God care any more? Where were you, God, when my son needed you?”

The surgeon asked, “Would you like some time alone with your son? One of the nurses will be out in a few minutes, before he’s transported to the university.”

Sally asked the nurse to stay with her while she said good-bye to son. She ran her fingers lovingly through his thick red curly hair.

“Would you like a lock of his hair?” the nurse asked.

Excuse

(source: rottenecards.com)

Remember That Time..

(source: rottenecards.com)

Did You Know

(source: tumblr)

May

(source: tumblr)

The Simpson's House

 

Bart Simpson's house is real.

(source: 9gag.com)

Bill Gates in A Resto

(source: 9gag.com)

The Dirty Old Coin

The story is told of an unemployed young graduate who woke up one morning under a bridge and checked his pocket. All he had left was a few dollar bills adding up to less than ten bucks. He was frustrated as he could find no work and no one was there to help him. He said a prayer dedicating his last remaining money to the Lord and decided to use it to buy food, then wait on the Lord for an answer to his situation.

He bought food and as he sat down to eat, an old man and two children came along --- the older of the two was a boy probably 12 years old and the other a little girl who looked as beautiful as an angel. The old man asked him to help them with food as they had not eaten for almost a week.

The young graduate looked at the children --- they were so lean that he could see their bones coming through their skin and their eyes were receding. With the last bit of compassion he had he gave them all the food. The old man and children prayed that God would bless and prosper the young graduate and then gave him a dirty old coin. The young graduate said, "You need this coin more than I do --- just keep it." The old man insisted that the young graduate put it in his pocket --- and finally he did.

Amazing Light Sculptures

(source: 9gag.com)

The Blind Boy

A blind boy sat on the steps of a building with a hat by his feet. He held up a sign which said: "I am blind, please help." There were only a few coins in the hat.

A man was walking by. He took a few coins from his pocket and dropped them into the hat. He then took the sign, turned it around and wrote some words. He put the sign back so that everyone who walked by would see the new words.

Soon the hat began to fill up. A lot more people were giving money to the blind boy.

That afternoon the man who had changed the sign came to see how things were. The boy recognized his footsteps and asked, "Were you the one who changed my sign this morning? What did you write?"

The man said, "I only wrote the truth. I said what you said but in a different way."

Love Quote

Pag tinetext mo pero di nagrereply:
- Tama na. Wag ka ng umasa.

Pag siya unang nagtext:
- Miss ka na niya.

Pag nagtetext lang kapag tinetext mo:
- Option ka lang niya.

Pag nakitext pa siya para lang maka-reply:
- Mahalaga ka sa kanya.

Pag nagtetext pa rin siya kahit di ka nagrereply:
- Mahal ka nun.

Eksena sa Klasrum 2

Sa Math Class...

Teacher: Banong, kung meron akong 1 piraso ng karne at hinati ko ito, ilang piraso na?
Banong: 2 po mam!
Teacher: At kung hinati ko pa pareho?
Banong: 4 na piraso po!
Teacher: Hinati ko ulit.
Banong: 8 piraso po.
Teacher: Hinati ko pa.
Banong: 16 po mam.
Teacher: Hinati ko pa?
Banong: 32 piraso na po!
Teacher: Kung hinati ko ulit?
Banong: 64 po! (nakangiti)
Teacher: At hinati ko pa? 2 beses ko pang hinati?
Banong: Ay susmaryosep mam! GINILING na po! GINILING!!

Slumbook

Juan writing on a slum book

Favorite Actor:
Arnold Scharzene... (erase)

Arnold Schwarze... (erase)

Arnold Schwarzz... (erase)

Arnold Shwazenne.... (erase)

Arnold Shwazenner... (erase)

Arnold Shwarzenneg... (erase)

Arnold Schchwarzenne... (erase)

Arnold Clavio

Eksena sa Kwarto

GIRL: Ang puti naman ni big bird mo?

BOY: Syempre, likas papaya yata ang gamit ko.

GIRL: AHhh gumagamit ka din ba ng downy?

BOY: Bakit? Sobrang bango ba?

GIRL: Hindi, sobrang lambot eh.

Eksena sa Klasrum

MATH CLASS:


GURO: jUaN, kUnG aKo'Y mAy 5 aNaK sA uNaNg aSaWa aT 7 nAmAn sA pAnGaLaWa aT 3 sA pAnGaTLo, mEr0n ac0hNg ? . . .

JUAN: KALANDIAN p0h . . .iSa kAnG kErEnGkEnG mA'aM, mALaNdi kA, hALiPaRoT, kALaDkAriN, mAkAti, mAhiLiG, pAriWaRa, p0kPoK, iMoRaL . . .

GURO: uMuPo kA, tAnG iNa mOh, di kA mAkAkApAsA g*g0!

-hala?

Karera

Sperm1: Pagod na ko! Mamamatay na yata ako, malayo pa ba tayo sa ovary?

Sperm2: Oo naman! malayo pa tayo, kakadaan pa lang natin sa tonsil eh.

(alam na!)

Propesyon

Iba't ibang propesyon, iba't ibang instructions pero pare-pareho lang ang interes.


DOKTOR: Hubarin mo na ang suot mo!

DENTISTA: Ibuka mo pa.

BETERENARYO: Kamusta na pepe niya?

CHEF: Hot or spicy?

PULIS: Di mo na kelangan ng proteksyon.

SWIMMING INSTRUCTOR: Laliman mo pa, dapat magaling ka sumisid.

GYM INSTRUCTOR: Sige pa, pump lang ng pump!


Anong propesyon ang gusto mo?!

Public Warning

NAKAKAKILABOT!
Mag ingat sa pag sakay ng jeep sa gabi.

MAG iNGAT PO, LALO NA SA GABI

Isang gabi sumakay ako ng jeep.Lahat ng pasahero nakatitig sa akin.
Walang umiimik.

Sinubukan kong magbayad pero hindi nila inaabot ang pera ko.
Kinilabutan ako..

Eksena sa Kalsada

Nakita ni Juan na nagkukumpulan ang tao dahil sa me namatay sa kalsada

Sa kagustuhang makita ni Juan ang namatay, gumawa sya ng eksena:
"tumabi kayo lahat! that's my brother!"

Humawi ang mga tao at nakita ni Juan....isang duguang Unggoy.

Namatay Na Si Pedro

mag best friend si juan at si pedro. habang tumatawid sa highway ang dalawang magkaibigan, nabundol si pedro ng isang rumaragasang jeep.

duguan si pedro sa kalye...

JUAN: itatakbo kita sa ospital

PEDRO: hindi wag na, panahon ko na talaga. ipangako mo lang sakin na bago ako ilibing, ipa-putol mo ang titi ko at ibigay sa misis ko para maalala niya ako. yan ang huling kahilingan ko

JUAN: sige pedro

namatay si pedro. sinabi ni juan sa embalsamador ang kahilingan ng kaibigan.

nung hinubaran na nila si pedro, nagulat sila dahil ang laki pala ng titi ni pedro. pinutol nila ang titi ni pedro at nilagay sa garapon.

bago pumunta sa asawa ni pedro, dumaan muna si juan sa bahay niya upang magbihis.

pagdating ni juan sa bahay, pinagbuksan siya ng misis nya. hindi pa nakakapagsalita si juan nang makita ng misis niya ang garapon na hawak...

MISIS: ayyy... namatay na si pedro

Drawing

Anak: nay! nay! tignan nyo drawing ko

Nanay: wow ang galing naman gumawa ng dinosaur ng anak ko

Anak: nay naman eh..kayo po yan!

Eksena sa Resto 2

Sa isang restaurant.

Lolo: Waiter! waiter!! bakit ang tigas naman nitong steak na in-order ko?

Waiter: Matigas ho ba sir? (Kumuha ng tinidor at kumuha ng maliit na parte sabay tinikman yung steak) Hindi naman po lolo, medyo makatas at malambot pa nga.

Lolo: "Aba'y natural lang hijo, 15 minuto ko nang nginuya yan, lalambot talaga yan!"

Eksena sa Resto

Sa isang filipino restaurant napagpasyahan ng magkasintahan na kumain. American si gf kaya hindi ito marunong magtagalog samantalang pinoy naman si bf pero hindi din gaano marunong mag-english.

GF: Honey, can you please translate this food because i can't understand the name of the dish?

BF: Sure, no problem honey.

GF: What's fried tulingan?

BF: Circumcised fish!

GF: Chiken binakol?

BF: Pervert chiken!

GF: Kilawing kambing?

BF: Eagled goat!

GF: Nilagang baka?

BF: Boiled Maybe!

GF: Thanks honey, waiter! waiter!

WAITER: Yes, ma'am? may i take your order now?

GF: Yes, please, give me 1 cheeseburger with coleslaw.

WAITER: Do you want to try our dessert? Tsokolateng mainit?

GF: Honey, what's tsokolateng mainit?

BF: Fevered Chocolate!

Eksena sa Mental Hospital

Sa isang mental hospital..

DOKTOR: ano ang gagawin mo kapag nakalabas ka na sa ospital?

PASYENTE: titiradurin ko yung buwan

DOKTOR: hindi ka pa magaling. iche-chek ulit kita after 6months



Matapos ang 6 months

DOKTOR: ano ang gagawin mo kapag nakalabas ka na sa ospital?

PASYENTE: maghahanap ng trabaho

DOKTOR: aba mahusay. tapos?

PASYENTE: maghahanap ng mabait, mapagmahal, at mapang-unawang babaeng papakasalan ko

DOKTOR: ayos ah. mukhang gumaling ka na. tapos?

PASYENTE: magha-honeymoon kami

DOKTOR: ano ang gagawin nyo sa honeymoon?

PASYENTE: kukuha kami ng hotel room tapos maghahalikan kami tapos huhubarin ko ang mga damit nya

DOKTOR: magaling ka na talaga. tapos?

PASYENTE: huhubarin ko ang bra at panty nya

DOKTOR: wow ha. tapos?

PASYENTE: kukunin ko lahat ng garter tapos titiradurin ko yung buwan

Ibalik ang Nakaraan

LOLO: lab, ibalik natin ang apoy ng nakaraan

LOLA: sa sex?

LOLO: oo, yung parang bata pa tayo

LOLA: sige

Naghubad sila. sabik na sabik.. Naghalikan..

LOLO: ibuka mo yang p*kp*k mo. papasok ko t*ti ko

LOLA: wag!

LOLO: bakit?

LOLA: baka magalit parents ko

LOLO: t*ngina mo

Japanese - Pinoy Translations

You haven't washed your face.- Mimutamatamo.
You've grown so thin! - Kitanabutumo!
We saw each other. - Kitakami.
We had a big get-together. - Kitakitakami.
Have a drink before you go. - Tomakamuna
That was my assumption.- Inakarako.

Let's go quickly. - Bachi na yota.
We will boycott the election. - Kaminoboto.
Under arm odor. - Kirikiripawa.
Are you a victim of discrimination?- Minamatakaba?
I give up. - Sukonako.

I have a lot of things to do.- Hironako.
What are your thoughts? - Kuru-kuromo?

I am thinking. - Munimuniko.
Are you playing the guitar? - Gigitaraka?
Is this your underwear? - Jakeemoto?
You're crazy!- Sirauromo!
You're drooling!- Turorawayka!

Aplikante

Isang boss ang nag-interview sa apat na babae para sa posisyong ina-applyan nila at binigyan ng pare-parehong tanong.


Boss: A woman normally has lips on 2 different places. What’s the difference between the two?

First Girl: Yung isa ho mabuhok. Yung isa hindi.

Boss: Ok, good!

Second Girl: Yung isa nakakapagsalita, Yung isa hindi.

Boss: That’s better!

Third Girl: Yung isa vertical at yung isa naman horizontal.

Boss: HmmM.. Clever!

Last Girl: Yung isa pang-kain ko. Yung isa naman, para sa boss ko.

Boss: You are hired!

Eksena sa Karinderya

May mag-asawang may maliit na carinderia. Ang pangalan ni mister ay si pedro at ang misis naman ay si Maritess. Si Pedro ang humaharap sa customer at si Maritess naman ang nagluluto.

Isang araw may pumasok na bulag sa carinderia nila..


PEDRO: ser, ano ang gusto mong kainin?

BULAG: boss, bulag po ako. mabuti pa ipaamoy mo sa akin ang mga gamit na plato para malaman ko kung ano ang oorderin ko

Nagtaka si Pedro pero kumuha siya ng gamit na plato. Inamoy ni bulag ang plato..

BULAG: mmm.. parang masarap yan ah. kalderetang baka

PEDRO: hayop ka bulag.. ang galing mo

Kumuha ulit ng isa pang gamit na plato si Pedro. inamoy ulit ng bulag..

BULAG: parang mas masarap yan ah.. inihaw na tilapia at talong na may bagoong

PEDRO: hayop ka bulag.. isa pa ha

Hindi makapaniwala si Pedro sa galing ni bulag kaya pumunta siya sa kusina at kumuha ng malinis na plato...

PEDRO: sweetheart, ipunas mo nga ang panty mo sa plato

MARITESS: bakit?

PEDRO: basta ipunas mo lang

Pinunas ni Maritess ang panty nya sa plato. Nagmamadaling bumalik si pedro sa bulag. inabot ang plato. inamoy ni bulag..

BULAG: mmm.. yan ang pinaka-masarap na amoy.. dito pala nagta-trabaho si maritess?

PEDRO: hayop ka... maritess

Inday

It was jazz an ordinary day. Nasa mall ako noon. Si Angel Locsin, nagpro-provoke ng movie niya. Pull-packed talaga! Nakipila rin ako. Out of the loo, may bumulong: "Indaaayyyyy" Huh? It sounded like a familiar sound. "Dodong!" sigaw ko.

The other fans turned their backs to their behind. At napatingin sa amin. Sabi ko: "Sorry: I didn't mean to be loud and proud." Hinawakan ni Dodong ang kamay ko. At lumayo kami sa crowd.

"Kamusta Inday? Do you come here open?" tanong niya. "Bihira lang. I'm just droppings by. Ethnic ang schedule ko, eh," sabi ko.

How can I forget to remember Dodong? Siya may mata ni Piolo at dimple ni Aga. He's every woman's dreamboat. I was starting my tour of duty kay ate nang unang makilala ko si Dodong. Contraction worker siya. Naging kami for a while. Then after that we were not an item anymore.

"Tanghali na Inday. What did you say we lunch together?" tanong ni Dodong.
"I don't mine" sagot ko. Sabi ng restaurant waiter: "What's your odor sir?" "Do you have porkshop?" tanong ni Dodong.

Si Nanay Kasi

NANAY: anak ano ba ang nangyayari sayo? 18 years old ka pa lang pero malala na ang almuranas mo

ANAK: kasalanan mo ito nay

NANAY: ako? bakit ako??

ANAK: conservative ka kasi masyado

NANAY: anong kinalaman nun?

ANAK: kaya sinabi ko sa boypren ko na dapat virgin pa ako pag kinasal kami

NANAY: ah kasalanan ko nga.

Paluwagan

Imbitado sa Paluwagan

DORAY: mare, kulang pa kami ng isang miyembro. baka gusto mong sumali sa paluwagan.
PINANG : hindi pa ako pwede, mare.
DORAY: bakit mare?
PINAY: virgin pa kasi ako.

(alam na kung anong paluwagan yun)

Kagalit

Eksena sa Simbahan

Pari: Sino sa inyo ang may kagalit?
(Taas kamay lahat maliban sa isang matandang lalaki)
Pari: Si lolo lang ang walang kagalit! Ilang taon na kau lolo?
Lolo: 90 years old.
Pari: Tngnan nyo si lolo, 90 na wlang kagalit? Bkt wala kaung kagalit , lolo?
Lolo: Patay, na ang mga p*t*ng *na!

Bust Toes

Rated PG..

Only Filipinos can understand this.

Title: "Bust toes"

"Thing none knew see in die. Who bought who bad. The hill key none thought knee one see in die. Oh! Oh! Sub be knee in die. The hill see one i might tea thing math tea gas. At see in die i my pooh king math thumb book. Knockin none thought at see noon dote knee one."

Shocks! Bust toes nga!

Pamasahe

Isang naked na babae ang sumakay sa taksi ni tonyo. Panay ang tingin ni tönyo sa salamin kaya napansin siya ng girl.

Girl: Mama baka naman mabangga tayo. Ngayon ka lang ba nakakita ng nakahubad? (galit pa)

Tonyo: Naku miss sawa nako dyan. Iniisip ko lang kung saan nakalagay ang pambayad mo sa akin.

Time

SON: "Daddy, may I ask you a question?"
DAD: "Yeah sure, what is it?"
SON: "Daddy, how much do you make an hour?"
DAD: "That's none of your business. Why do you ask such a thing?"
SON: "I just want to know. Please tell me, how much do you make an hour?"
DAD: "If you must know, I make $100 an hour."
SON: "Oh! (With his head down).
SON: "Daddy, may I please borrow $50?"

The father was furious.
DAD: "If the only reason you asked that is so you can borrow some money to buy a silly toy or some other nonsense, then you march yourself straight to your room and go to bed. Think about why you are being so selfish. I work hard everyday for such this childish behavior."

The little boy quietly went to his room and shut the door. The man sat down and started to get even angrier about the little boy's questions. How dare he ask such questions only to get some money?
After about an hour or so, the man had calmed down, and started to think: Maybe there was something he really needed to buy with that $ 50 and he really didn't ask for money very often. The man went to the door of the little boy's room and opened the door.

DAD: "Are you asleep, son?"
SON: "No daddy, I'm awake".
DAD: "I've been thinking, maybe I was too hard on you earlier. It's been a long day and I took out my aggravation on you. Here's the $50 you asked for."

The little boy sat straight up, smiling.
SON: "Oh, thank you daddy!"

Then, reaching under his pillow he pulled out some crumpled up bills. The man saw that the boy already had money, started to get angry again. The little boy slowly counted out his money, and then looked up at his father.

DAD: "Why do you want more money if you already have some?"
SON: "Because I didn't have enough, but now I do. Daddy, I have $100 now. Can I buy an hour of your time? Please come home early tomorrow. I would like to have dinner with you."

The father was crushed. He put his arms around his little son, and he begged for his forgiveness. It's just a short reminder to all of you working so hard in life. We should not let time slip through our fingers without having spent some time with those who really matter to us, those close to our hearts. Do remember to share that $100 worth of your time with someone you love? If we die tomorrow, the company that we are working for could easily replace us in a matter of days. But the family and friends we leave behind will feel the loss for the rest of their lives. And come to think of it, we pour ourselves more into work than to our family.

Some things are more important.

Nasaan Ka?

Juan: Oy, ano ‘yan? Pinya? Pahingi naman.

Pedro: Pahingi? Nasaan ka nu’ng nagbubungkal ako ng lupa sa ilalim ng init ng araw? Nasaan ka nu’ng nagtatanim ako habang kumukulog, kumikidlat at bumubuhos ang ulan? Nasaan ka nu’ng oras na nag-aani ako na nagkalat ang maraming ahas sa daanan ko, nu’ng naghihirap ako sa pagpasan ng pinya? Nasaan ka?

Juan: Nakulong kasi ako noon! Nakapatay ako ng madamot!

Pedro: Ganu’n ba? Kuha ka na, kahit ilan! May langka pa dun!:]

Population Policies

Population policies of countries:


China: Stop at 1 child

Singapore : Stop at 2 children

Philippines: STOP AT 4 A.M.!

Game Show

Joel Leonin (Host): Saang "B" (beach) tayo Madalas pumunta pag summer upang maligo?
Christian Molino Pampanga ( Contestant) : Banyo?
Joel Leonin ( Host) : Hinde,pag pumunta ka dun, maaarawan ka.
Christian Molino Pampanga (Contestant) : Bubong?
Joel Leonin (Host) : Hinde, marami kang makikita duong mga babaeng Naka-bikini.
Christian Molino Pampanga ( Contestant) : BEERHOUSE!

hahaha! alam na!

Buhay ng Babae

Mahirap daw ang buhay ng babae..


Umaga - Laba damit.

Tanghali - Sampay damit

Hapon - Tiklop damit

Hating gabi - Hubad damit

Madaling araw - Hanap damit

Body Parts

Sina Juan at Pedro nag-uusap tungkol sa bawat parte ng katawan ng babae.


Juan:pare alam mo ba na ang bawat parte ng katawan ng mga babae ay may katawagan?

Pedro:ows talaga?gaya ng halimbawa pare?

Juan:oo pare,halimbawa ang mata.ang tawag dyan ay visual room.

Pedro:bakit visual room?

Juan:eh kasi yan ang tumitingin kung pangit o gwapo ang lalake

Istorbo

NGONGO: Muk'a mo mamute!
WIFE: Di naman, ah.

NGONGO: Muk'a mo mamute!
WIFE: Di nga sabi mapute eh!

NGONGO: (shouting) Ang sami o, MUK'A MO MAMUTE!!! (Anak Nagising.....)

ANAK: Ma, ang sabi ni papa... BUKA MO MABUTE!
Naman o, istorbo...! Hmmppp ((rofl))


(baliw!! haha)

Superman

Namasyal ang anak at ama at ina sa SM Manila..
Sabi ng Mag asawa: "Junior, kumuha ka ng laruan mo. Mamili ka lang.."
Tumakbo si Jr kinuha ang toy na Superman..
Sabi ng ama,  "Tignan mo si jr, Love .. lalaking lalaki talaga si Jr kasi mahilig sa toy na superman"
Pag balik ng mag-anak sa kanila, sabi ni Jr, "Nay, ang gwapo talaga ni superman" at kinilig pa! sabay hawak sa itlog ni superman..  Jr: "sarappppppppppppp!hahahahha"

(Alam na!)

Out

DAD: Anak bading ka ba?

SON: Aba dad alam nyo ba na takot sa akin ang mga classmates ko? Respetado ako sa school.

DAD: Talaga anak?

SON: Oo dad! Tawag nga nila sa akin… MAHAL NA REYNA!

Rosaryo

Madre at Sakristan:

Madre: anak ano ba apelyido mo?
Sakristan: alam nyo na yun sister, palagi nyo ung hinahawakan eh
Madre: jusko, BAYAG ba apelyido mo?
Sakristan: di naman po sister, ROSARIO po

Pacifier

Sa clinic..


Manong: Doc magkano pa facelift?

Doctor: P50,000 po manong..

Manong: Wala bang medyo mura dyan yung magmumukha akong bata?

Doctor: Meron po.. P20 pesos lang po..

Manong: Ano un?

Doctor: Chupon!

Condom 2

A man went to a pharmacy to buy condom.

Saleslady: One thousand per piece, sir!

Man: What? Ba't ang mahal?

Saleslady: Kasi puwede nating i-try...

Wet Dream

BOY1: Pre, ganda panaginip ko kagabi! Dinidilaan ko daw ang pagitan ng boobs ni Joyce!

Boy 2: Putragis ka! Kaya pala basa ang pwet ko.

Contest

May contest na pahabaan ng t*ti. ginawa ito sa isang disyerto.
Tatlong lahi ang naglaban-laban

- isang Negro, isang Arabo, at siyempre, isang Pinoy.


Nauna ang negro.
Nilubog ang t*ti sa buhangin.
Pag hatak niya ng t*ti niya may bumulwak na tubig. Palakpakan ang mga tao.


Sumunod ang Arabo.
Nilubog ang t*ti sa buhangin.
Pag hatak ng titi nya may bumulwak na langis. palakpakan at hiyawan ang mga tao.


Huli ang ating bidang Pinoy.
Nilubog ang t*ti sa buhangin.
Ngumiti at kumindat. Pag hatak ng t*ti nya walang nangyari. Isang malakas na tawanan at boo mula sa mga nanonood ang sumunod.

Ilang sandali lang ay biglang lumidol at bumuka ang lupa. Lumilipad na lumabas si satanas mula sa lupa at sabing...

P*tangina talaga..  Sino sumundot sa pwet ko?

Negosyanteng Totoo

Isang Intsik ang namatay at napunta sa langit.
Pagkatapos tinanong nya si San Pedro..


Intsik: anu yan kabila?.

San Pedro:.impyerno yan!.mainit dyan.

Intsik: ahhh.. ako lipat na lang impyerno.

San Pedro: ha!.bakit naman?..

Intsik: ako tinda halo-halo at ice cream..

Ebidensya

PULIS: "Hoy bata ka! Bakit sa poste ka tumatae? Bawal ‘yan. Sumama ka sa’kin sa presinto!"

BATA: "Sasama lang ako kapag PINULOT MO ANG EBIDENSYA! "

Posporo

Juan: Paabot nga ng posporo
Pedro: Tang* mo tlga!
Aanhin mo pa ang posporo kung may kalan naman
Juan: Sige letch* paki abot mo nga ang kalan at magtitinga ako lintek nag mamarunong ka nanaman eh

Quits

PEDRO: "Kapag natulog ba ako sa tabi ng misis mo, magkumpare pa rin tayo?"

JUAN: "hmm… Hindi."

PEDRO: "Magkaaway na?"

JUAN: "Hindi rin!"

PEDRO: "Eh ano na?"

JUAN: "Quits na tayo!"

Kasalanang Hindi Ginawa

Sa skul....


Oblak: ma'am.excuse me po..

Guro: ano un Oblak?

Oblak: ma'am..pagpagalitan nyo po ba ako sa kasalanan na d ko naman po ginawa.?

Guro: syempre naman hindi ano ka ba?

Oblak: pwes ma'am.. hindi ko po ginawa ang assignment ko..

Sino'ng Tumira?

Juan: Pare may problema ako, nabuntis ko GF ko, imposible yun-gumagamit naman ako ng condom

Pedro: Halika dito kaibigan, me kukuwento ako syo.

Juan: Tungkol san?

Pedro: Isang araw me mamang umakyat ng bundok at me dalang payong. Tapos me nakita syang tigre. Nung kinalabit nya ang payong, namatay ang tigre.

Juan: Imposible yun, baka me tumirang iba?!

Pedro: O, edi alam mo na!

Silya Elektrika

Pulis: Bago man kita bitayin..
Ano pa ang iyong huling kahilingan...?

Convict: Sir pwede bang hawakan nyo ang aking kamay..
Kahit man lang hanggang sa aking huling hininga??

Pulis: p*tang*na mo!!

Bobo Vs. Genius

Genius: uy bobo, kada tanong ko na di mo masagot,bigyan mo ko ng 5 piso, pero kada tnong mo na di ko masagot, 5 libo ibibigay ko!

Bobo: ok!

Genius: ok, ilan ang isla sa Pilipinas?

Bobo: (inabot ang 5piso)

Bobo: ok, anong hayop na 3 ang paa, at pagktapos umakyat ng bundok,4 na paa?
(ginawa ng genius ang lahat pero di masagot ang katanungan)

Genius:O ayan 5libo! (binigay ang 5k) ano ba ang sagot sa tanong mo?

Bobo:(inabot ang 5piso)

Tatlong Pangit

3 pangit namatay
Nasa langit kausap ni San Pedro

san Pedro: bgo kayo pumasok sa langit, meron kayong tig iisang wish.

Pangit 1: gusto ko po mging kamuka si Jacob:)
(naging kamuka sya ni Jacob ng Twilight)

pangit 2: gusto ko po maging kamuka si Edward ng Twilight
(naging kamuka nga sya ni Edward)

pangit 3: *tumatawa :D*
Gawin nyo po silang pangit ulet

Palda

Lupe : Lolo Tinong, bakit po may hawak hawak kayong palda ng babae sa kamay niyo?

Lolo Tinong : Ay lintek na yan, nakalimutan ko ang Lola mo sa bus!

Mention

Bata : Inday ano po ang ibig sabihin ng MENTION?

Inday : Mention lang hindi mo alam?
Mention is the tirahan of meyeyemen.

Bata : huh? sample nga ng paggamit ng word Mention?

Inday : Ang ganda naman ng MENTION mo, pwede makitira?

Mautak si Juan

Teacher: Ang unang mkasagot sa unang tanong ko. mauunang umuwi.

Excited ang mga studyante.



Juan: (Hinagis ang bag sa labas)

Teacher: Kaninong bag yun?! >.<

Juan: Akin po ma'am! Bye everyone.

Beauty Pageant

Pageant Night Miss Universe Beauty Pageant Q & A Portion
The FINALISTS :

Miss America
Miss Spain
Miss Britain
Miss Philippines
Miss Iran
Miss India
Miss Japan

Condom

MISTER: “Sweetheart, bumili ako ng mga flavored condoms.
Laro tayo, pikit ka tapos hulaan mo kung anung flavor ang suot kong condom.”

MISIS: “Wow.. Sige ba!”
(pumikit si misis, ginapang si mister)

MISIS: “Uhmm.. shawarma flavor?”

MISTER: “P*ta naman, wala pa akong suot eh.”

Baygon

AMO:"Bakit iniiwan mong walang takip ang ulam? Lalangawin yan!"

INDAY:"Sigurado pong hende mam!"

AMO:"At bakit?"

INDAY:"Enespreyan ku pu ng Baygun!"

Sa Mental..

Sa mental hospital...


Dr: Pedro..magaling kana pla..

Pedro: bakit po?

Dr: kasi sinagip mo ung isang pasyente kanina na nalulunod sa pool..kaso un nagbigti rin sa cr..

Pedro: d po sya nagpakamatay dok..

Dr: eh anong ginagawa nya dun at nkabigti?

Pedro: sinampay ko lang po sya kasi po basang basa sya kanina eh..pinapatuyo ko lang..

Bisita

May bisitang kano ang mag-asawa.


KANO: "Thanks for inviting me for dinner."

MISTER: "You’re welcome Joe."

MISIS: "Hon, sabihin mo kalabitin lang nya si Inday pag may kailangan sya."

MISTER: "Joe, you just finger our maid if you need."

Paboritong Pagkain

Teacher: class ang pagaaralan natin ngayon ay tungkol sa mga paboritong pagkain ng mga magulang nyo.
Totoy: ma'am! ma'am!
Teacher: yes, totoy, sino sa mga magulang mo ang sasabihin mo?
Totoy: ang tatay ko po ma'am!
Teacher: ok, totoy anong paboritong pagkain ng tatay mo?
Totoy: ilaw po ma'am!
Teacher: ha?! at bakit naman ilaw ang paboritong pagkain ng tatay mo??
Totoy: kasi po ma'am palagi ko pong naririning ang tatay ko na sinasabi kay nanay na..

"PATAYIN MO NA ANG ILAW AT KAKAININ KO NA YAN!"

Old Days

Mtn0ng q Lang..



Nung bata kb knkgat m0 dn b ung bakaL ng m0ng0L pEnciL m0
pra Lmbas ung eraser at mkpgbura ka?

Pnppak m0 dn b ung miL0?

Kmknta kadn b n00n
sa hrp ng eLectric fan?

CnsiLip m0 dn b n0on
ung ref kung mamamatay ung
iLaw hbng cnsara?

kmkain k dn b ng nectar ng santan?

At ngsuLat knb ng pngaLan m0
s maaLikb0k na sskyan?



-nksmiLe ka n0?kz gnwa m0.
hahaha..

Philippine Constitution

Kapag pinipilit ka ng parents mo
na umamin sa kasalanan mo,



eto ang dapat mong sabihin,


"No person shall be compelled
to be a witness against himself."

-PHILIPPINE C0NSTITUTI0N-
Article III,
Secti0n 17. Right Against Self- Incriminati0n



Safe ka na, nosebleed pa sila..

Common Sense

Boy: Nay may ulam ba?
Nanay: Tignan mo na lang dyan sa ref, anak.
Boy: Eh wala naman tayong ref, di ba?
Nanay: O, e di wala tayong ulam.
 Konting common sense naman dyan!

School Vandalisms

FA Wall:
"nobody cares"
somebody answered:
"not even the carebares?"
then another:
"not even kier?"
then:
"not even zoren?"
lastly:
"not even zorro?"
all written by different people.


AS:
AS chairs:
"push button to eject seatmate"

"push button to eject urself"

"push button to kill teacher."

"push button to eject teacher"
....reply: "it's jammed! We're doomed!"

What is Politics?

Boy Bastos goes to his dad and asks,
"What is Politics?"

Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way:

#1. I'm the head of the family, so call me GMA.

#2. Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the Government.

#3. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the People.

#4. Your Yaya Inday, we'll consider her the Working Class.

#5. And your baby brother Junior, we'll call him the Future.

Ang SULAT..

Minamahal Kong Anak,


Medyo mabagal akong magsulat ngayon dahil alam kong mabagal kang magbasa.

Nandito na kami sa probinsya para tirahan ang bagong bili nating bahay. Pero hindi ko maibigay sa iyo ang address dahil dinala na ng dating nakatira ang number para daw hindi na sila magpalit pa ng address.

Maganda ang lugar na ito at malayo sa Maynila. Dalawang beses lang umulan sa linggong ito. Tatlong araw noong una at apat na araw noong pangalawa.

Nakakainis lang ang mga paninda dito katulad nung bumili ako ng shampoo. Ayaw bumula. Nakasulat "FOR DRY HAIR" kaya hindi ko binabasa ang buhok ko kapag ginagamit ko. Mamaya ay ibabalik ko sa tindahan at magrereklamo ako.

Inspirational Quote

“Without ambition
one starts nothing.

Without work
one finishes nothing.

The prize will not be sent to you.
You have to win it.”

― Ralph Waldo Emerson

Bad Breath Ang Friend Ko

Paano ko sasabihin sa kaibigan ko na bad breath sya ng hindi siya nasasaktan?
                                                                     -name withheld-

Pupunta ako sa bar

Misis: Alis ka hon?
Mister: Sa bar, inom lang ng beer
Misis: Eto beer o!
Mister: Gusto ko sa bar, malamig.
Misis: Meron ditong ice, hon.
Mister: Sa bar kasi, may konting biruan, murahan.. Ganyan!
Misis: Ah.. Gusto mo ng murahan?  T*ang ina mo! Eto, inumin mo tong p*tang inang beer mong malamig at eto ang p*nyetang baso na may yelo! Kainin mo yang t*rantadong pulutan na yan dahil hindi ka lalabas ng bahay! G*go!!!
Mister, Sabi ko nga, hon e. Nandito na lahat. Di na ako aalis. I love you!

Love Quote

Naging tayo 'nung wala na kayo..

Sabi mo minahal mo sya
pero mas minahal mo ko..

Masaya pa nga tayo di ba?
Ngayon,
bumabalik sya,
iniwan mo ko.

Bakit ngayon pa?
Ngayon pa na di ko na kayang mawala ka..

Love Quote

No one falls in love by choice,
it is by chance.

No one stays in love by chance,
it is by work.

And no one falls out of love by chance,
it is by choice.

Kamatayan

Kamatayan: Juan, hawakan mo nga ang kamay ko

Juan: Ayoko nga! If I touch your hand, I know I would die

Kamatayan: Ang galing mo talaga Juan! Isang bagsak nga 'dyan!

Juan: Ako pa! Sige, apir tayo!

:patay kang Juan ka!:

She Looks Like A God

A fat lady asked her bf
what she looked like..

The boy replied:
"you look like a GOD."



The fat lady smiled..
Giggled and blushed then asked:

"which GOD?
Aphrodite?
Venus?
who?"



The boy looked deeply in her eyes..
Touched her belly and said..


"Buddha".

Looking for Textmate

Okay, so someone sent me an email.

Here's what the sender said:

"Gusto ko po sana magkaroon ng txtmate. Please don't post my email. Tnx."

Hindi Pa Nagmamahal Ni Minsan

"Hindi ko pa naranasang magmahal kahit minsan!"

No English Policy

TATAY: Mula ngayon walang magsasalita ng ingles..
Ang sinumang magpa dugo ng ilong ko at sa nanay nyo,
palalayasin sa pamamahay na to!
klaro ba ?

ANAK: ang mga namutawi sa inyong mga labi ay mataman ko pong iiimbak sa sulok ng aking balintataw, sa kaibuturan ng aking puso, gugunam-gunamin, aariing salik ng aba at payak kong kabatiran.. tatalikdan ang matatayog at palalong banyagang wika, manapay kakalingian, bibigkasin at sakdal timyas na sasambitin ng aking sangkalooban..

TATAY: (tulala)

mas dumugo ang ilong..hahaha

Vice Ganda Jokes

(Nakakita siya ng guwapo, di nakapagpigil)
Vice: Hi, ano pangalan mo?
Gwapo: Ako po?
Vice: Ay hindi sila, may nakikita ka pa bang tao? Malamang ikaw, ang tanga.

* * *

(Sa gasoline station, pagbaba nya ng window)

Gas boy: Magpapagas po?
Vice: Hindi magpapaconfine ako. Malamang magpapagas, gasolinahan ‘to 'di ba? Alangan magpaconfine ako dito, tapos dextrose ko 'yung unleaded gasoline niyo, at ayun na yung ikakamatay ko.

* * *

(Sumakay siya ng jeep na walang laman papuntang palengke)

Vice: Manong bayad po.
Manong1: Ilan ‘to?
Vice: Ay manong dalawa yan, nakakahiya kasi sayo, kahit ako lang mag-isa sakay mo, dalawa na ibabayad ko, libre na kita kahit sayo 'tong jeep.

* * *

(Bababa na sya)

Vice: Manong, para.
Manong1: Bababa ka na?
Vice: Ay hindi manong, sasakay ako. Sasakay ako ulit, dun naman ako sa bubong, mas presko kasi dun.

* * *

(2nd attempt)

Vice: Para ho.
Manong1: Dyan ba sa tabi?
Vice: Ay hindi manong. Dun ako sa gitna, sa gitna para masagasaan ako.

* * *

(Binaba siya sa gitna)

Vice mabundol ng isa pang jeep…
Manong2: Nasaktan ka ba?
Vice: (naasar) Ay hindi, nag-enjoy ako. Ulitin natin, bunguin mo pa. Isa pa! Dali! Ang sarap kasi! Nakabundol ka tapos itatanong mo kung masakit? Ikaw kaya bundulin ko? Tapos i-share mo skin feelings mo, na na-enjoy mo, sige magbungguan tayo. Laruin natin, ipauso natin, bunggu-bungguan.