Namatay Na Si Pedro

mag best friend si juan at si pedro. habang tumatawid sa highway ang dalawang magkaibigan, nabundol si pedro ng isang rumaragasang jeep.

duguan si pedro sa kalye...

JUAN: itatakbo kita sa ospital

PEDRO: hindi wag na, panahon ko na talaga. ipangako mo lang sakin na bago ako ilibing, ipa-putol mo ang titi ko at ibigay sa misis ko para maalala niya ako. yan ang huling kahilingan ko

JUAN: sige pedro

namatay si pedro. sinabi ni juan sa embalsamador ang kahilingan ng kaibigan.

nung hinubaran na nila si pedro, nagulat sila dahil ang laki pala ng titi ni pedro. pinutol nila ang titi ni pedro at nilagay sa garapon.

bago pumunta sa asawa ni pedro, dumaan muna si juan sa bahay niya upang magbihis.

pagdating ni juan sa bahay, pinagbuksan siya ng misis nya. hindi pa nakakapagsalita si juan nang makita ng misis niya ang garapon na hawak...

MISIS: ayyy... namatay na si pedro

Drawing

Anak: nay! nay! tignan nyo drawing ko

Nanay: wow ang galing naman gumawa ng dinosaur ng anak ko

Anak: nay naman eh..kayo po yan!

Eksena sa Resto 2

Sa isang restaurant.

Lolo: Waiter! waiter!! bakit ang tigas naman nitong steak na in-order ko?

Waiter: Matigas ho ba sir? (Kumuha ng tinidor at kumuha ng maliit na parte sabay tinikman yung steak) Hindi naman po lolo, medyo makatas at malambot pa nga.

Lolo: "Aba'y natural lang hijo, 15 minuto ko nang nginuya yan, lalambot talaga yan!"

Eksena sa Resto

Sa isang filipino restaurant napagpasyahan ng magkasintahan na kumain. American si gf kaya hindi ito marunong magtagalog samantalang pinoy naman si bf pero hindi din gaano marunong mag-english.

GF: Honey, can you please translate this food because i can't understand the name of the dish?

BF: Sure, no problem honey.

GF: What's fried tulingan?

BF: Circumcised fish!

GF: Chiken binakol?

BF: Pervert chiken!

GF: Kilawing kambing?

BF: Eagled goat!

GF: Nilagang baka?

BF: Boiled Maybe!

GF: Thanks honey, waiter! waiter!

WAITER: Yes, ma'am? may i take your order now?

GF: Yes, please, give me 1 cheeseburger with coleslaw.

WAITER: Do you want to try our dessert? Tsokolateng mainit?

GF: Honey, what's tsokolateng mainit?

BF: Fevered Chocolate!

Eksena sa Mental Hospital

Sa isang mental hospital..

DOKTOR: ano ang gagawin mo kapag nakalabas ka na sa ospital?

PASYENTE: titiradurin ko yung buwan

DOKTOR: hindi ka pa magaling. iche-chek ulit kita after 6months



Matapos ang 6 months

DOKTOR: ano ang gagawin mo kapag nakalabas ka na sa ospital?

PASYENTE: maghahanap ng trabaho

DOKTOR: aba mahusay. tapos?

PASYENTE: maghahanap ng mabait, mapagmahal, at mapang-unawang babaeng papakasalan ko

DOKTOR: ayos ah. mukhang gumaling ka na. tapos?

PASYENTE: magha-honeymoon kami

DOKTOR: ano ang gagawin nyo sa honeymoon?

PASYENTE: kukuha kami ng hotel room tapos maghahalikan kami tapos huhubarin ko ang mga damit nya

DOKTOR: magaling ka na talaga. tapos?

PASYENTE: huhubarin ko ang bra at panty nya

DOKTOR: wow ha. tapos?

PASYENTE: kukunin ko lahat ng garter tapos titiradurin ko yung buwan

Ibalik ang Nakaraan

LOLO: lab, ibalik natin ang apoy ng nakaraan

LOLA: sa sex?

LOLO: oo, yung parang bata pa tayo

LOLA: sige

Naghubad sila. sabik na sabik.. Naghalikan..

LOLO: ibuka mo yang p*kp*k mo. papasok ko t*ti ko

LOLA: wag!

LOLO: bakit?

LOLA: baka magalit parents ko

LOLO: t*ngina mo

Japanese - Pinoy Translations

You haven't washed your face.- Mimutamatamo.
You've grown so thin! - Kitanabutumo!
We saw each other. - Kitakami.
We had a big get-together. - Kitakitakami.
Have a drink before you go. - Tomakamuna
That was my assumption.- Inakarako.

Let's go quickly. - Bachi na yota.
We will boycott the election. - Kaminoboto.
Under arm odor. - Kirikiripawa.
Are you a victim of discrimination?- Minamatakaba?
I give up. - Sukonako.

I have a lot of things to do.- Hironako.
What are your thoughts? - Kuru-kuromo?

I am thinking. - Munimuniko.
Are you playing the guitar? - Gigitaraka?
Is this your underwear? - Jakeemoto?
You're crazy!- Sirauromo!
You're drooling!- Turorawayka!

Aplikante

Isang boss ang nag-interview sa apat na babae para sa posisyong ina-applyan nila at binigyan ng pare-parehong tanong.


Boss: A woman normally has lips on 2 different places. What’s the difference between the two?

First Girl: Yung isa ho mabuhok. Yung isa hindi.

Boss: Ok, good!

Second Girl: Yung isa nakakapagsalita, Yung isa hindi.

Boss: That’s better!

Third Girl: Yung isa vertical at yung isa naman horizontal.

Boss: HmmM.. Clever!

Last Girl: Yung isa pang-kain ko. Yung isa naman, para sa boss ko.

Boss: You are hired!

Eksena sa Karinderya

May mag-asawang may maliit na carinderia. Ang pangalan ni mister ay si pedro at ang misis naman ay si Maritess. Si Pedro ang humaharap sa customer at si Maritess naman ang nagluluto.

Isang araw may pumasok na bulag sa carinderia nila..


PEDRO: ser, ano ang gusto mong kainin?

BULAG: boss, bulag po ako. mabuti pa ipaamoy mo sa akin ang mga gamit na plato para malaman ko kung ano ang oorderin ko

Nagtaka si Pedro pero kumuha siya ng gamit na plato. Inamoy ni bulag ang plato..

BULAG: mmm.. parang masarap yan ah. kalderetang baka

PEDRO: hayop ka bulag.. ang galing mo

Kumuha ulit ng isa pang gamit na plato si Pedro. inamoy ulit ng bulag..

BULAG: parang mas masarap yan ah.. inihaw na tilapia at talong na may bagoong

PEDRO: hayop ka bulag.. isa pa ha

Hindi makapaniwala si Pedro sa galing ni bulag kaya pumunta siya sa kusina at kumuha ng malinis na plato...

PEDRO: sweetheart, ipunas mo nga ang panty mo sa plato

MARITESS: bakit?

PEDRO: basta ipunas mo lang

Pinunas ni Maritess ang panty nya sa plato. Nagmamadaling bumalik si pedro sa bulag. inabot ang plato. inamoy ni bulag..

BULAG: mmm.. yan ang pinaka-masarap na amoy.. dito pala nagta-trabaho si maritess?

PEDRO: hayop ka... maritess

Inday

It was jazz an ordinary day. Nasa mall ako noon. Si Angel Locsin, nagpro-provoke ng movie niya. Pull-packed talaga! Nakipila rin ako. Out of the loo, may bumulong: "Indaaayyyyy" Huh? It sounded like a familiar sound. "Dodong!" sigaw ko.

The other fans turned their backs to their behind. At napatingin sa amin. Sabi ko: "Sorry: I didn't mean to be loud and proud." Hinawakan ni Dodong ang kamay ko. At lumayo kami sa crowd.

"Kamusta Inday? Do you come here open?" tanong niya. "Bihira lang. I'm just droppings by. Ethnic ang schedule ko, eh," sabi ko.

How can I forget to remember Dodong? Siya may mata ni Piolo at dimple ni Aga. He's every woman's dreamboat. I was starting my tour of duty kay ate nang unang makilala ko si Dodong. Contraction worker siya. Naging kami for a while. Then after that we were not an item anymore.

"Tanghali na Inday. What did you say we lunch together?" tanong ni Dodong.
"I don't mine" sagot ko. Sabi ng restaurant waiter: "What's your odor sir?" "Do you have porkshop?" tanong ni Dodong.

Si Nanay Kasi

NANAY: anak ano ba ang nangyayari sayo? 18 years old ka pa lang pero malala na ang almuranas mo

ANAK: kasalanan mo ito nay

NANAY: ako? bakit ako??

ANAK: conservative ka kasi masyado

NANAY: anong kinalaman nun?

ANAK: kaya sinabi ko sa boypren ko na dapat virgin pa ako pag kinasal kami

NANAY: ah kasalanan ko nga.

Paluwagan

Imbitado sa Paluwagan

DORAY: mare, kulang pa kami ng isang miyembro. baka gusto mong sumali sa paluwagan.
PINANG : hindi pa ako pwede, mare.
DORAY: bakit mare?
PINAY: virgin pa kasi ako.

(alam na kung anong paluwagan yun)

Kagalit

Eksena sa Simbahan

Pari: Sino sa inyo ang may kagalit?
(Taas kamay lahat maliban sa isang matandang lalaki)
Pari: Si lolo lang ang walang kagalit! Ilang taon na kau lolo?
Lolo: 90 years old.
Pari: Tngnan nyo si lolo, 90 na wlang kagalit? Bkt wala kaung kagalit , lolo?
Lolo: Patay, na ang mga p*t*ng *na!

Bust Toes

Rated PG..

Only Filipinos can understand this.

Title: "Bust toes"

"Thing none knew see in die. Who bought who bad. The hill key none thought knee one see in die. Oh! Oh! Sub be knee in die. The hill see one i might tea thing math tea gas. At see in die i my pooh king math thumb book. Knockin none thought at see noon dote knee one."

Shocks! Bust toes nga!

Pamasahe

Isang naked na babae ang sumakay sa taksi ni tonyo. Panay ang tingin ni tönyo sa salamin kaya napansin siya ng girl.

Girl: Mama baka naman mabangga tayo. Ngayon ka lang ba nakakita ng nakahubad? (galit pa)

Tonyo: Naku miss sawa nako dyan. Iniisip ko lang kung saan nakalagay ang pambayad mo sa akin.

Time

SON: "Daddy, may I ask you a question?"
DAD: "Yeah sure, what is it?"
SON: "Daddy, how much do you make an hour?"
DAD: "That's none of your business. Why do you ask such a thing?"
SON: "I just want to know. Please tell me, how much do you make an hour?"
DAD: "If you must know, I make $100 an hour."
SON: "Oh! (With his head down).
SON: "Daddy, may I please borrow $50?"

The father was furious.
DAD: "If the only reason you asked that is so you can borrow some money to buy a silly toy or some other nonsense, then you march yourself straight to your room and go to bed. Think about why you are being so selfish. I work hard everyday for such this childish behavior."

The little boy quietly went to his room and shut the door. The man sat down and started to get even angrier about the little boy's questions. How dare he ask such questions only to get some money?
After about an hour or so, the man had calmed down, and started to think: Maybe there was something he really needed to buy with that $ 50 and he really didn't ask for money very often. The man went to the door of the little boy's room and opened the door.

DAD: "Are you asleep, son?"
SON: "No daddy, I'm awake".
DAD: "I've been thinking, maybe I was too hard on you earlier. It's been a long day and I took out my aggravation on you. Here's the $50 you asked for."

The little boy sat straight up, smiling.
SON: "Oh, thank you daddy!"

Then, reaching under his pillow he pulled out some crumpled up bills. The man saw that the boy already had money, started to get angry again. The little boy slowly counted out his money, and then looked up at his father.

DAD: "Why do you want more money if you already have some?"
SON: "Because I didn't have enough, but now I do. Daddy, I have $100 now. Can I buy an hour of your time? Please come home early tomorrow. I would like to have dinner with you."

The father was crushed. He put his arms around his little son, and he begged for his forgiveness. It's just a short reminder to all of you working so hard in life. We should not let time slip through our fingers without having spent some time with those who really matter to us, those close to our hearts. Do remember to share that $100 worth of your time with someone you love? If we die tomorrow, the company that we are working for could easily replace us in a matter of days. But the family and friends we leave behind will feel the loss for the rest of their lives. And come to think of it, we pour ourselves more into work than to our family.

Some things are more important.

Nasaan Ka?

Juan: Oy, ano ‘yan? Pinya? Pahingi naman.

Pedro: Pahingi? Nasaan ka nu’ng nagbubungkal ako ng lupa sa ilalim ng init ng araw? Nasaan ka nu’ng nagtatanim ako habang kumukulog, kumikidlat at bumubuhos ang ulan? Nasaan ka nu’ng oras na nag-aani ako na nagkalat ang maraming ahas sa daanan ko, nu’ng naghihirap ako sa pagpasan ng pinya? Nasaan ka?

Juan: Nakulong kasi ako noon! Nakapatay ako ng madamot!

Pedro: Ganu’n ba? Kuha ka na, kahit ilan! May langka pa dun!:]

Population Policies

Population policies of countries:


China: Stop at 1 child

Singapore : Stop at 2 children

Philippines: STOP AT 4 A.M.!

Game Show

Joel Leonin (Host): Saang "B" (beach) tayo Madalas pumunta pag summer upang maligo?
Christian Molino Pampanga ( Contestant) : Banyo?
Joel Leonin ( Host) : Hinde,pag pumunta ka dun, maaarawan ka.
Christian Molino Pampanga (Contestant) : Bubong?
Joel Leonin (Host) : Hinde, marami kang makikita duong mga babaeng Naka-bikini.
Christian Molino Pampanga ( Contestant) : BEERHOUSE!

hahaha! alam na!